Greetings dear readers!
Today I want to talk to you about plants. Yes indeed, plants. And I’ll tell you why.
I’ve recently come to discover that you poor humans have been subjected to systemic goblin-propaganda, that has led most of you to believe that eating plants is sad and boring. Don’t believe this! It is absolutely false and the agenda behind it is to make you weak and frail so you’re easier for creatures of the dark to attack and toy with.
In this blogpost I will debunk this dark myth completely, so that you henceforth will sigh in ecstasy when eating your vegetables.
Now, grab your celery and let’s get started.
Apples:
I bet you know the old saying that an apple a day keeps the goblins away. And this is very true indeed.
You see, these sweet delights are full of magical entities called anti-orcs-idants that, when eaten, creates an invisible shield around yourself, which protects you against evil beings!
In your human lack of magical knowledge, you have come up with a somewhat rustic term for it. ‘Immune system’ I believe you call it.
But of course, evil creatures know of the magical benefits of apples, and have therefore strategically placed apples in villain-roles in various tales throughout human history. Examples include ‘The Fall of Adam and Eve’ and ‘Snow White’.
This is untrue. Apples are in no way malicious, quite the contrary. They are most efficient at protecting your brain and heart against goblin-jinxes, so get eating.
Carrots:
When I was a little wizard, my grandmother sometimes told me a bedtime story of how carrots came to be. It went something like this:
Once upon a time in a kingdom far away, there lived a beautiful fairy princess by the name of Carotta, who had a terrible case of body dysmorphia. She was absolutely sick of her own fair fairy skin and desperate to get a tan colour, because she was convinced it would make her look exotic. One day, she made the tragic mistake of buying a bottle of self-tan from a malevolent oompa loompa in an alley, and it turned her completely orange and made her fingers fall of. Those were the first carrots.
This is of course complete nonsense, and I would not recommend you listen to my grandmother, as she was in fact a wicked witch much prone to dark sorcery.
In reality carrots are amazing and not barbaric at all.
They possess the magical ability to grant anyone who eats them super-vision. This effect, however, is a bit of a slow burn, as it takes at least a century and a half of daily carrot-eating to experience it at full force.
But even if you can’t stick to eating carrots every day for 150 years, there are a plethora of other benefits to experience just from eating them once in a while.
To mention a few, they are very good for your skin, so if you happen to suffer from crusty elbows or knees, you will benefit immensely from eating carrots.
They are also excellent for your hair, which makes them especially good if you’re trying to grow a beard. And bonus: They make the hair on your feet grow too, should you be a hobbit and want that.
Cabbage:
In my long career as wizard, I’ve heard an unbelievable number of persons express their dislike for cabbage. Why, oh why?! You people need to get over that rubbish!
Cabbage is exceptional for your gut health, and a healthy gut is utmost important for every wizard.
Imagine being in the middle of slaying a dragon and then getting hit with a gremlin-induced stomach ache – it could be catastrophic!
If you can only recall childhood memories of overcooked, smelly cabbage, chances are that a spiteful goblin was at work, and I strongly encourage you to actively work on your relationship with cabbage. I am not joking, there isn’t a single more effective remedy for purging black magic from your intestines than cabbage-soup.
I would recommend that you eat cabbage every day, but there are some side effects to be considered. If you for example got very excited when reading about the benefits of consuming cabbage and went a little over board, you might experience a temporary increase in unexpected odorous bodily emissions disturbing the atmosphere surrounding your person.
This is nothing to be afraid of, as it is simply leftover residue from dark spells leaving your body in a harmless manner. But still, you might want to consider saving your kale-smoothie for later, if you’re about to attend an important magical meeting.
That is all I have for you today. Of course, there are hundreds of excellent plants I could continue to write about, but if I were to do justice to each and every one, I would be yapping on forever and never get anything else done.
I sincerely hope you got inspired and are in the middle of devouring an apple.
