How to train your wizard

Ahhh, wizards. They’re such a peculiar mix of cute and pathetic when they convince themselves that they’re in charge when they’re obviously not. I’ve had my wizard’s beard twisted around my paw since the day I met him, and he hasn’t got the faintest idea.
Wizards may be stupid, but they’re also useful in a multitude of ways.
For example, why work yourself half to death catching mice and maintaining a place to live, when they’re there, practically begging to welcome you into their homes and serve you? Free food, free soft pillows to sleep on and unlimited access to objects where you can sharpen your claws.
Having a wizard at your command might also turn out to be a great investment, if you should someday stumble upon an enemy (e.g. a dog or any other horrid, drooling creature).
And lastly, when you’re bored, they’re always really easy to fool, and that’s great fun.
In this guide, I will teach you not only how to catch a wizard, but also how to make him bow down at your paws.
Get ready.

Step one: Catch a wizard

Firstly, you’ll have to locate the residence of a wizard near you. It should be easy, as there are often sparks flying uncontrollably out of their windows.
Then, you walk up to the front door and start meowing. When he opens the door, you suck in your belly (to appear starved, weak and in desperate need of food and love) and look up at him like so:

If he doesn’t immediately let you in, keep at it and I promise you, he will break within the day. Just keep looking and meowing and watch him crumble. Hehehe.

Step two: Tame your wizard

When you’ve successfully acquired a wizard, it’s time for him to get domesticated.
You might begin his training by teaching him what you like to eat. Everybody, listen up now: Know your worth!
You should be eating a diet rich in cream and fatty fish to maintain a healthy, shiny fur.
If he is trying to fob you off with dry portions of discount cat food, immediately cough up a hairball on his favourite pair of slippers and see how he likes that!
Next, you should make it clear to him that you’re entitled to the best seat in the house, and that you’re absolutely not to be bothered while occupying his furniture.
If he approaches you when you’re relaxing in his favourite armchair, either to try and cuddle you or to – heaven forbid – try to remove you, you simply hiss at him, and he will most likely resign in fear.
If he’s a bit on the slower side however, just hit him with a claw and he’ll get it.

Step three: Play your wizard

Whenever I’m bored, one of my favourite pass-times is to torment the old fool.
Sometimes I’ll purr and make eyes at him until he melts and tries to pet me. Then I give him the claw anyway, just for fun. He never knows what hit him.
Other fun activities include:

Bringing nearly dead, rattling birds into his bedroom at night.
Crawling up into a tree, miaowing until he climbs up to rescue me and then jumping down once he’s reached the top.
And my personal favourite: yowling at the door as if you really need to go outside, and then when he opens it, look at him like he’s stupid, turn around and lick your paw. As soon as he’s sat down in his chair, do it again. Repeat at least 3-8 times.

When you’re trying out new tricks on him, you might sometimes experience some interesting reactions. His face could turn a funny maroon-like colour, he might start shaking and clenching his fists in anger or even threaten to kick you out.
You shouldn’t worry too much about that. Just rub your back against his leg for a bit while purring, and he’ll forget his anger before long.
However, should he act on his threats to kick you out, don’t panic. Simply repeat step one: Sit down at his front door while making big eyes, meowing and sucking in your belly.
I usually play a little game where I see how long he will last. So far, his best time is about two hours – and he was really mad that time hehehe.
As you see, training a wizard is no big deal at all. I definitely recommend it to every cat looking for a home.

Good luck kitties

Meow