Hello dear re-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!! I’m really sorry about that… I’m just in the middle of dealing with an exceptionally stubborn poltergeist. It constantly jumps out of my closet and yells “BOOH!”. But not to worry, it’ll be gone in a minute when my spell kicks in.
This little incident got me thinking that maybe some of you out there might be dealing with ghosts as well this time of the year. It is, after all, October, the peak-season for the dead to walk again.
And let’s be honest, there’s really nothing more annoying than being distracted by your bathroom sink wailing “We all float down here”, while you’re just in the middle of your evening foot bath.
Whether you’re dealing with ghosts, spectres, phantoms, wraiths or any other sorts of spooks, do not worry. I’m always here to help and guide when there’s something strange in the neighbour-hut.
First of all, let’s get rid of some possible ghost-misinterpretations:
- Weird howling sounds at night – might be your stomach, better get up and eat!
- Blinking lamp – you could just have a man living in your basement trying to contact you via morse code. Or alternatively, the bulb needs changing.
- Wet foot prints – Someone else in the house could have taken a bath, that is unless you live alone.
- You keep losing one sock – your drawer could easily be inhabited by a sock-monster, it’s very common indeed.
Here, on the other hand, are some signs that you probably have a ghost. (In many of these instances, you might mistakenly think that you’re just clumsy, but you’re definitely not!):
- Your keys are constantly lost.
- You spill your coffee or tea all the time.
- Your socks are mis-matched.
- Your clocks stop at 3:07 AM – but really, who would notice?
- You lose stitches when knitting, and your knitting is plain ugly.
All the above are signs that you really ought to look out for.
Then there are the definite signs that you do have a ghost:
- You hear the sound of rattling chains at midnight.
- A stinky spectre keeps jumping out of your closet saying BOO.
- An unknown hound with a nametag that says “Of the Baskervilles” chases your cat around the living room.
- Blood spots mysteriously appear and are not effectively removed by Pinkertons Champion Stain Remover.
Now let’s get to the really interesting part: How to get rid of your ghosts.
Let’s start with the most traditional method: Capturing the ghost in a lamp.
You can do this by using a simple but powerful spell: “Alakazam, float into the lamp!”.
I will say this, throughout history this method has been used to enslave and exploit ghosts, which I do not condone at all. Make sure to instead go on a long walk deep into the forest and release the spirit back into nature at a safe distance from your hut.
Then there’s the method most popular in my family, perfected by my great-aunt, Spondhylia: Counter-shrieking.
Example: You discover that a ghost has started haunting your shower curtain and now every time you go into the bathroom it yowls: “They’re HEEEEERE!”.
Don’t be scared. Just go ahead and shout: “HERE’S JOHNNY!” right back at it.
That’ll teach it.
Recently, I’ve also heard talk of some alternative methods, e.g. sucking spirits up into a vacuum cleaner… I’ve never tried this particular method myself – I only own a broom, and it has proven to be very ineffective for this method, as smacking the ghost only upsets it further.
I hope that this has been helpful to you all! Now, I’ll go and carve myself a pumpkin – happy Halloween everybody!
