How to train your cat

Step 1: Show your cat who is in charge

If your cat keeps on scratching its claws on your favourite furniture, walking on tables or playing with the curtains even though you tell it to stop, it’s a typical sign that it does not respect you at all.
This is very normal, as cats by nature have huge egos.
You need to show it that you, in fact, are the master of this household. To convince your cat of this, you need to unlock your inner-alpha.
Take a deep breath and stand up straight.
Now, make yourself as big as possible. If you are in possession of a pointy hat or some sparkling robes that can be spread out as wings, those would be very useful.
When you’ve maximised your size, tower yourself over the cat and speak the words: You shall not scratch this armchair!
If you did this right, the cat should run away in fright. In this case, congratulations! You’ve cemented yourself as a force to be reckoned with, and your cat will remember this the next time it thinks about doing something naughty.
However, if you hesitated or chickened out, it is highly likely that your cat will now be staring at you in disgust and judgment, and you may have reinforced its idea that you’re a softie who’s only around to be toyed with.
This is a crucial moment! You need to reverse the damage done immediately.
Bring out your wand (if you’re not in possession of a magical wand, use your index finger), point it at the cat and say the words: Hocus pocus forget my fiasco-sus!
This will erase the moment of you being pathetic from the cat’s memory instantly.
Now, try the first step again, and keep on going until you succeed.
And remember, if you get scratched a lot during the taming of the cat, it is perfectly normal and NOT a sign of failure!

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Step 2: Make your cat like you

Now that you’ve successfully earned your cat’s respect, you need to get it to like you too. After all, who wants a soft and fluffy cat that you can’t pet?
Sadly, many humans struggle with the feeling that their cats don’t appreciate or return their love. They might be met with nothing but claws and hisses when trying to cuddle.
But don’t worry! I will help you fix this issue right away. Soon your unfriendly cat will be begging to be cuddled!
The trick here is to not get seduced by the cuteness of your cat.
For example: When you walk into a room and see your cat, what do you do? Squeal at it that it’s oh so cute and douse it in cuddles? No! No cat wants a clingy owner. Besides, this will only feed the cat’s ego, and that is a slippery slope!
Instead, you need to master the art of being hard to get.
Examples:

• Whenever you see your cat, you simply ignore it.
• You keep your head high, sit down in your softest chair and make your legs awfully attractive for a cat to lie on. It will not be able to resist.
• If it starts to purr you might occasionally grace a stroke upon it – but certainly not too much!

The essential technique when training your cat is to be the biggest diva in the room. This is a psychological battle. The only thing a big ego respects is an even BIGGER ego. Want to be the master of your cat? Have the biggest ego!
You’ll see. The cat will very soon sense your supremacy and succumb to your will.

Step 3: Teach your cat tricks

Now that you’ve successfully earned your cat’s respect and made it love you unconditionally, it’s time to move up to the next level and teach it some tricks!
There are two levels:

1) Level 1: Bribe the cat to make it stop doing annoying things
2) Level 2: Command the cat

Bribe the cat:
If you’re still a bit immature in your new position as total master of cats, you might want to enter into a respectful cooperation with the cat, instead of diving straight into giving it orders and thereby risk losing the esteem you’ve gained so far.
Examples of cooperation could be:

• If you stop throwing up hairballs, I will let you have a taste of my hot chocolate.
• If you promise not to vomit on my pillow, I’ll lend you a corner… or maybe the whole pillow.
• If you move away from the bed, I shall refrain from smacking your furry butt with my stinky slipper.

Command the cat:
If you’re sure of yourself and an experienced master of cats, you can start teaching it cool tricks. For example:

• Fetching the wand.
• Jumping through a magical portal (or a hula hoop if you can’t conjure up a magical portal).
• Ringing a bell for treats (although I don’t recommend this one, as it can be quite annoying if you have a permanently hungry cat).
• Dancing waltz basic steps.
• Assisting in dragon slaying. But be careful, the cat might lose a life.
• Playing the violin or singing a jolly tune – but only if your cat has an ear for music, or it might risk losing another life.

I hope this proves good for your relationship and provides a healthy workout for your cat.

Step 4: Be honest and communicate clearly with your cat

I want to address something very important. I’ve been made aware by some of you dear readers that you still struggle a bit with your personal relation to your cat.
I’m very sorry to hear this, but take comfort in the fact that you are far from alone. As I’ve mentioned previously, many people sadly struggle with the feeling of their cat not appreciating or returning their love. After all, it’s tough always being scratched when you’re only trying to hug.
Therefore, I want to give you some tools to work through this and deal with your emotions in the best way possible.
You should know that within any well-functioning relationship, clear and honest communication is key.
You might be filled with feelings of anger and spite (e.g. “Why do I need to fix this, when CLEARLY it’s the cat who’s got an issue??”)
But if you want to mend your bond with your cat, you might need to be the bigger person. Extend a hand and create a space for growth and maturity.
What I recommend doing, is make yourself a nice cup of tea to calm down the nerves and then sit down for an honest conversation with your cat.
Try telling it how much it has hurt your feelings. Here are some phrases that might be helpful:

• How do you think it makes me feel, when you throw up hairballs on my favourite chair and pee in my bed?
• It hurts my feelings when I try to save you from a tree, and you just look at me with disgust when I fall down.
• I feel that this has become a very one-sided relationship, and I can’t help but wonder whether you’re only staying because I feed you.

This will no doubt spark some thoughts within the cat. Soon, it’s bound to realise that it’s been behaving badly and apologise.

Step 5: Enough is enough! Show that little tyrant!!!

Dear readers,
I’m sorry to tell you all that I’ve absolutely had it! I woke up this morning only to discover that all my plants had been turned over and that my favourite armchair had once again been used as a scratching post.
I will not tolerate this any longer! That little midget has coughed up its last hairball!
I’ve got some new advice for you!
First of all, kick the cat out.
NB: If you’re intimidated by the cat’s attitude and thinking of giving up, it’s time to take a deep breath and ask yourself an important question: Are you going to be bullied by a self-satisfied furball? No, you’re not! Now apply yourself!
Grab its hairy butt and say bon voyage!
Then, I recommend getting the anger out of your system in a constructive way. Cathartic exercises might include:

• Throwing the cat’s food bowl out the window
• Burning pictures of the two of you together
• Screaming while kicking the cat’s favourite pillow (except if that pillow is yours of course, in that case just scream very loudly).

Whenever you start to feel a bit calmer, you need to get the cat off your mind and start working on yourself. Eat some oatmeal, do a lot of yoga (link). Become the very best version of you and rejoice with the knowledge that the cat will never ever ever for the rest of its sorry life find an owner as amazing as you again EVER!
Cat owners unite and get ready! Together we’ll show those little devils that we don’t need them!

Step 6: Accept your fate

Dear readers,
I have to come clear. My cat came crawling back and I simply couldn’t resist. It looked so remorseful and sweet so I… took it back.
In the recent weeks I’ve slowly come to discover an unlucky truth.
It pains me to say it, but it really seems to me that it is indeed completely and utterly impossible to train your cat. I’m really very sorry, but I’ve tried absolutely everything: Compromising, scolding, bargaining, gaslighting, reasoning, pleading, bribing… Despite my best efforts, nothing is working.
I’ve resolved to means that I’m not proud of, threats and punishments etc., but it has had absolutely no impact. My cat laughs in the face of fear.
I’m really very sorry to all you hopeful readers with a furry bully in your life, but nothing can be done.
It seems we only have one option left: Stop fooling ourselves and accept that our cats actually are the ones in charge.

Go train something easier like a dragon instead.